One day my brother received a letter with the familiar "SWL" (sealed with love) message on the envelope.
He noticed that the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled as he read this notation written by a postal employee: "Love didn't stick -- resealed in Seattle." Courtesy Of Reader's Digest, February 10th, 2009 "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. -- Steven Wright I invented the cordless extension cord. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it? my calendar has no sevens on it." -- Steven Wright I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. They went "Aaaaahhhh..." -- Steven Wright Today I dialed a wrong number...
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. -- Steven Wright I saw a close friend of mine the other day...
I'll tell you what, never again.' The joke was later slammed as 'unfunny' on web forums. One Poll.com, the organisation behind the research, said: 'The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.''It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.''Many of the jokes in the list are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years or more.'''Tim Vine's Edinburgh Fringe Festival's joke is neither belly-laughing funny nor is it particularly shocking or controversial so it's surprising it was voted the best joke of the festival.'Being able to tell a joke is a fine art and telling a classic joke correctly in a pub full of people can be tricky.' Comedian Tim Vine smashed the world record for most jokes told in an hour with 499, beating the previous record of 362. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. 'I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one". My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. 'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. -- Steven Wright The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Other jokes to make the top 20 include a string of brilliant one-liners - and digs at wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.A quarter-century after his death comedy hero Tommy Cooper makes a strong showing in the list, which also includes gags by Peter Kay, Lee Evans and Canadian comic Stuart Francis.1. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!Before we even stepped foot in the restaurant, he demanded I drive him back to my place.I wound up all dressed up, sitting on my couch, eating cereal while my date snoozed away in my bed.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? -- Steven Wright Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill. -- Steven Wright If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? -- Steven Wright When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives. -- Steven Wright There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. -- Steven Wright I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.